Sirius Lupin Orion Potter
by Seren Flaidd
Summary: Lily is in labour, which is maybe not the best time for James to mention that he's lost a bet and their first born child must now be names Sirius Lupin Orion Potter. Prompt:BabyNames, Genre:Sillly Pairing:James/Lily


"…What do you mean?" James repeated, studying his wife with a mixture of slight confusion and a distinct whiff of 'spoilt only child'.

"I just don't see why you should choose the entire name," Lily repeated before adding '_Pewf! Pewf! Pewf!'_ - possibly miming the over excited attempts of a toddler to blow out a candle. She then began to rotate her hips in the least sexy manner of any hips James had ever been forced to witnessed, including Sirius' sixth year 'dance of the seven slightly grubby hankies'.

Moving his frown away from the disturbing dance and the more even disturbing memories, he focused once more on his wife's red face and added firmly, "his name shall be Sirius Lupin Orion Potter! We shook on it."

"No, we most certainly did not shake on it," Lily assured him, adding a comedy snake sound to her repartee of stupid noises. "_Hsssssssssssss! Ooooooooh!_"

"Not you and me, you silly little love!" James chortled. "Sirius and I. We shook upon the name! And Remus as well actually, although 'twas Sirius that had the winning hand… Although I did wonder if Remus wasn't slipping him cards beneath the table… I actually rather hope that's what he was doing, when one considers the alternative possibilities..."

"_Gah! This hurts_!" Lily rudely interrupted him. "_This hurts so much, James!_"

"It's not my fault…" James pointed out.

"_It IS your fault!"_ Lily interrupted, even more rudely and loudly.

"_It is not!_" James cried, joining in with the loudness and stamping his foot as well, which seemed pretty reasonable as Lily kept grunting like a hippo with wind and performing strangely non-sexy dance moves for him.

Lily took a deep breath.

A couple of deep breaths.

"Yes, actually this is entirely your fault…" she began.

"Well, I didn't see you complaining at the time," James pointed out quickly. "_Shush!_" he added, clamping his hand quickly across his wife's already opening mouth. "No. Shush up, Lily. What I was trying to say is that it isn't my fault _that you don't want a magical child birth_."

He took his hand away and smiled indulgently at her. "You and your funny Muggle ways, Lil."

Lily blinked at him.

"…Your eyes are so pretty," James added, which was perfectly true, despite the rest of her looking like… a really very heavily pregnant woman.

"Slop," Lily said.

"Do you need me to get another paper cowboy hat?" James offered. "I was actually loving wearing that until you… 'slopped' in it."

"Slop. S. L. O. P. That's going to be your son's initials, yeah?"

James mulled this over for a moment.

"Ha-ha!" he cried, suddenly. Lily puffed loudly and wiggled her hips again. "S.O.B!" he cried, "That is Sirius' initials!"

"Better than Slop!" Lily assured him. "Rub my lower back, or something, James, please!"

"You know, I only really like back rubs that lead onto more romantic things," James admitted. "And I did shake on 'Sirius Lupin Orion Potter' you know, Lil. I shook on it, so…?"

"You said Sirius was cheating!" Lily shouted at him. "You said Remus was passing him cards under the table. And Sirius chose a stupid name with stupid initials on purpose! And the naming of my child was never a bargaining chip for you to throw into your stupid game of poker in the first place!"

"That's not what you said the night Sirius pulled my car keys out of that vase."

"…That was different," Lily muttered. "Anyway, I promised mum we'll call her Lotta, after my granny."

"Lotta Potter?" James clarified. "Is anything hotter than Lotta Potter?"

"…Yes," Lily said. "That would mean a lot to my Gran. Lotta for a girl and Harry for a boy, after my dad. You can choose middle names.

"And what about my dad!" James cried. "Why can't we call him Charlus? And we could call our first born daughter Dorea, after my mother. That would be lovely. Charlus and Dorea."

"_Mgh!_ _Ow! How! Aghhh!_ …Firstly they're both really horrible names," Lilly pointed out, while clutching the window frame and rocking back and forth against the wall in a manner that again just missed the mark of being pornographic. "_Ouchy_!" she added, "…And secondly who would name siblings after a pair of lovers? That would just be creepy. Who would _do _that? It would be like someone calling their sone and daughter 'James and Lily' after us."

"My parents are not lovers!" James shuddered in horror a the thought. "...They have separate bedrooms. God, you're sordid, Lily! I do feel bad about the whole SLOP name thing but I can't go back on my word. Let's get Sirius down here and see if he's willing to negotiate a name with better initials. You should also get a say as well. He's your baby to."

"You invite Sirius to watch me give birth and I will castrate you, James, with my teeth."

"I imagine I would actually stop you before you could do that," James pointed out. "Even without my wand you are pretty slow and lumbering at the moment and I would have Sirius to help me hold you down… I think he would very much like the baby to be named after him."

"No one in their right mind would name a baby after Sirius. _Owwww!_" Lily cried. James, who was reasonably certain that that particular owwww was only for affect, ignored it.

"…I would and will," James told her when she'd stopped wiggling. "God, we've been here ages," he added, glancing wistfully at the sunny day beyond the hospital window. Would you like to go for a walk? Or to get something to eat? I'm actually pretty hungry."

"I'd like to hold your hand," Lily hissed, "_really, really tightly_!"

James pushed his glasses up his nose, considering her white knuckled fists.

"…No, let's not do that," he decided. "Why don't we make a deal. If it's a boy we call it Sirius Lupin Orion Potter and if it's a girl you can choose."

"_You don't know that it's going to be a boy!_" Lily exploded.

"I do!" James laughed. "My 'boys' know what they're doing!" he added, miming a Chaser slamming the Quaffle into the middle ring.

"…Lotta is a sweet name." Lily pointed out. "Lottie, James?"

"Yes, that's a stupid name," James assured her. "But as it's going to be a boy, that's fine."

"Little Miss Lottie," Lily said. "And you won't even feel bad about not honouring your Poker game because even Sirius can't expect you to call a girl Sirius Lupin Orion Potter."

"There was a girl's name too," James said.

Lily waited.

James straightened his glasses and quiffed his hair a little.

"…And the girl's name was?" Lily prompted him finally.

"Petunia," James said. "You know… Like your sister."

"…You were going to name out baby after my sister?"

"No, Sirius was," James clarified.

"Oh," Lily said, doubtfully. "Well… Tuney was _very_ excited about Sirius being our Best man. It was the only reason she considered coming to the wedding."

"Yes. Petunia Olivia Orionie Potter," James muttered.

"And you agreed to _that_!?" Lily exploded. "You told Sirius you'd call your daughter POOP!"

"It was a fair win!" James explained in exasperation. "Fair-ish, anyway. I'm sure they were cheating… God, I'm bored. How long do you think this will take?"

"I hate you," Lily stated, as calmly as one could, while ever increasing cramps of pain tightened around her back and womb.

"I could go and get something to eat and have a chat with Sirius about the name thingy, if I'm not being helpful enough here," James suggested, eyes fixed longingly on the door.

"_Stay there_!" Lily shouted. "_Sheet!_" she added.

"…Sheet Potter?" James asked, not sure if that was for a boy or a girl.

_"No, shit!_" Lily clarified for him. "_Shiiit! Ahhhhh! It hurts!_"

"Oh, good. 'Sheet' is worse than 'Lotta'."

"Owwwwwwwwww!" Lily growled, grinding her teeth together and starting the swaying dance again.

"There really isn't anything I can do to help you," James pointed out, quite distressed now. "You're making me feel terrible. Please… try to be a bit braver. You're a Gryffindor lion, Lily… Gryffindor Lioness."

"_Right! That is it!"_ Lily screamed at him. _"We're not calling him Sirius anything!"_

"Yes, we are," James assured her, calmly. "He's my best friend and he also won the right to choose my son's name in a game of poker more than three weeks ago."

_"No, he didn't!_" Lily shouted at him. "_And now he's not getting his name as a middle name or anything! He's ruined it for himself with stupid SLOP and POOP!"_

James raised his eyebrows over the top of his glasses and poured himself a glass of water.

"…_It's nothing to do with your best friend! It's our baby!_" Lily shouted at him. "If you even try to call him Sirius Lupin Orion Potter I am going to run away and have him baptised Albus Remus Severus Evans!"

James spat a mouthful of water over the hospital bed.

"That's not even funny, Lily," he pointed out. "Why would you do that to an innocent child?"

"Albus is the greatest wizard who ever lived," Lily panted, "Remus is the only one of your friends I currently like and Severus…"

"_Smells_." James stated firmly. "Are you sure you don't want to give birth the magical way? That's what my dad did with me?"

"_Shut up!"_ Lily shouted at him. "…_Oh God, this hurts so much! No one said it was going to hurt this much!_"

And then she did the thing that James really couldn't bear.

She started to cry.

James sprung off the bed and got the magical midwife. He held Lily and stroked her damp hair while the magical midwife explained that with a glug of 'Draft of Dreamless Sleep' and a wave of her wand the baby would be magically disapparated from her womb, to arrive safe and swaddled in the crib beside the bed. Lily would wake up exactly one hour and twelve minutes later, restored fully to her pre-pregnant size.

And no more pain.

Lily seemed so calmed down and relieved upon hearing this that James felt it was his husbandly duty to remind her that she very much did want the birth to be natural and lovely.

.

"…Your wife tells me you want to call the baby Poop," the magical midwife said a touch frostily, when she came out into the corridor, over an hour later. James had been waiting on his own since the magical midwife had sent him out of the room for starting his 'Lovely Natural Birth' speech.

"No, not 'Poop'," James assured her, "Petunia Olivia Orionie Potter. No one will notice the initials. I lost a bet, you see. It will be a funny story she can tell people. Anyway, I'm certain it's a boy. I probably only produce boys."

"Yes, your wife said you were certain," the magical midwife agreed. "She said to remind you that you agreed on Lotta for a girl,"

"Only if she agreed on Sirius Lupin Orion Potter for a boy," James assured her.

"Slop?" the magical midwife queried.

"It could have been so much worse," James pointed out, edging over to the room to peep through the door. "…Is she asleep already?"

"She certainly is," the magical midwife agreed turning her wand to point at the other side of the room. "And your baby should be arriving in that crib there about… _now_."

There was a puff of sparkly glitter which cleared to reveal... a baby.

"Does Daddy want to see if he has a little Lotta or a Slopper?" the magical midwife suggested, sweetly.

"_Oh my God_," James stammered, staring at the tiny bundle newly arrived in the crib. "_I have a son_…"

.

Lily was still snoring quietly as James stumbled over to the crip and gazed down at a pair of dark green eyes, a rather bruised red face and a mop of spiked up wet hair.

"_I have a son_," he whispered again, to the silent room. "…_I am a father._"

Trying not to stumble about like an idiot he found a nappy and a one of the babygrows that he had bought in Diagon Alley, emblazoned with the logo of the Holyhead Harpies. Nervously he unswaddled the baby.

"_My son_," he said, gazing at the mop of wet hair and the slightly bloody looking umbilical cord and the baby's distinctly female baby parts.

"…Lotta Potter?" James queried fearfully. "…_Oh my God! I made a Lotta Potter!"_

A frantic rummage in the hospital bag he located his wand. "…This is for your own good and mostly for my pride," James assured the smiling baby and swished his wand. "…And hello, Sirius Lupin Orion Potter." he added, smiling happily at his handy work.

.

"_We have a son_," he informed his sleeping wife.

When Lily didn't stir he turned back and changed the mop of wet red hair to a mop of wet black hair before tucking the wand into his jeans and carrying the baby carefully over to his wife's bedside.

"Lily," he whispered, gently shaking her shoulder. "Lily wake up, look at our son!"

Lily cracked open one single green eye and then the other.

She looked at the baby's spiky black hair and at her husband's proud loving smile.

"It's a boy," James told her. "I was right."

"You were right?" Lily said.

"Yes, I was," James said. "Definitely a boy."

"Nice hair," Lily said. "…I thought you loved my red hair, James."

"Yes, but not on a boy," James pointed out. "He would get so teased."

Lily plucked the wand out of the waistband of his jeans and levelled it on his face.

_"You reverse your stupid spell this minute, James Potter!"_ She cried, _"Or I'll use the reversal on YOU!_" "I don't think that would actually work," James stammered, "Oh, fine! ...It wouldn't have been permanent, Lily. I just hate being wrong and I really don't want to call my baby Lotta Potter! _Fine_! …_Finite Incantium!_"

They watched the black hair return to a wet blood red.

James huffed.

Lily removed the baby's nappy, revealing it's still unquestionably male anatomy. She looked up at her husband, her big green eyes growing wide and shimmery and her mouth a trembling mew of horror.

"Your reversal didn't work!" She whispered. "_You've permanently disfigured our daughter_!"

"Of course I haven't!" James cried, looking at his baby's still very male anatomy. "It'll be fine. It's just… _Finite Incantium! …FINITE INCANTIUM!_" he cried again.

"_Look what you've done!_" Lily yelled at him. "_We've had her five minutes and you've ruined our baby!_"

"I can fix it!" James yelled. "I can! I will! Oh shitty shit! Oh Lotta, I'm so sorry! What have I done!?"

Lilly released a throaty laugh, plastering her hands across her mouth in a vain attempt to hide her amusement. Deciding that was impossible she gave up, throwing her head back to roar with laughter.

"_Pranked you_!" She cried, "So totally pranked you, James! _Best prank ever!_"

"But…" James said, letting her take the baby back and thrust it onto her breast. "But…" James said. "But… What…? You mean I _haven't_ broken Lotta?"

"You've made her into a boy!" Lily reminded him, failing to stifle another snort of laughter.

"I know," James agreed. "And I'm sorry and I'll fix it. …I am so sorry, Lotta! Why are you so calm, Lily!? Why are you laughing!?"

"God, you looked _so_ _scared_, James," Lily chortled. "He is a boy! _He always was a boy._ I just knew how smug you'd be about being right, so as soon as the magical midwife told me he was a boy, I used an illusionment spell to make him look like a girl, ready for when you came into the room. Then I pretended to be asleep. The prank of the century, Messrs Prongs! And I can't believe you had the audacity to change him back into a boy and pretend you hadn't done anything."

"…So Lotta is a boy?" James clarified, nervously. "I have a son?"

"Or do you?" Lily grinned at him, quirking an eyebrow. "…Yes. You do. 'Harry Potter', after me granddad. You can choose his middle name if you wish. Anything you like, apart from Sirius or Charlus."

"James," James said. "Harry James Potter. My son… He is definitely a son, Lily, you aren't double-pranking me, are you?"

"As if, Messrs Prongs. After all the help you were while I was in labour?"

"True… But I miss having Lotta Potter now."

"I miss the black hair. Shall we change it back? Surely choosing your child's hair colour is one of the bonus' of being magical."

"I'm so glad you said that Mrs Potter… And can we call the next one Lotta?"

"…Petunia Lotta Orionie Potter."

"…I do like Orionie."

"…Orionie is the feminine form of Orion. I know that because we made it up ourselves."

"…Sirius and you is not 'we', James. 'We' is only ever you and me."

"Actually 'We' is you, me _and baby Harry, _now."

"Yeah, actually that would be you, me and _Lotta_."

"…And now I don't know If you're joking or not, Lily."

"That's what makes it such a good prank."

"It's like being married to a girl version of myself. Perfection."


End file.
